The Religious Issue
Vol. 5 Issue 1

If There Is A God, He Must Be A Damn Idiot
by Erik Johnson

Part 1.
No, there is not a God. And even if there is, He (male term used generically-if anyone out there is stupid enough to think Supreme Being can be defined by gender they deserve to be offended by my pervasively sexist attitude) can't do anything. And I mean that. Anything. Assumption of the existence of Supreme Being carries with it the necessary admission that said being is completely powerless in all respects (and therefore not Supreme in any sense, but we'll get to that later).

First off, let's tackle the one thing on which the existence of God depends, entirely. A beginning. No, I realize that God Himself, the great I Am, defies beginnings and endings, always has been and always will be, blah blah blah. But... He did create the Universe, the heavens and the earth and such. That means that, if God exists, our macrocosm contains within its fabric a very definite beginning. Without this beginning, there can be no God because He is not responsible for the existence of the universe, and may hardly be called God. The universe is not a watch, and there never was a watchmaker. St. Thomas Aquinas seems to have thought he proved God's existence because of this silly beginning thing, as Seminary students are always so prompt to point out. He called it the "Unmoved Mover," and the "Uncaused Cause." Idea being that all matter and activity in the universe depend entirely upon movement for their existence. This is perfectly true and scientifically verifiable. But Aquinas assumed that, should one follow movement backwards, it must all depend on a single Divine Push of the Swing. Nothing, ever, initiates its own movement. This is also true and easily proven by the token Mad Scientist. So yes, it is true that nothing starts itself moving, ever, and Aquinas (and the generations following him, the dolts who call themselves Scholastics) took this as proof of God's Divine Hand starting things off for us.

Bullshit. This is the kind of blatant assumption that gives philosophers the bad name they deserve. Because... Who the hell are we to assume that the universe is based on our perception of it? Should it not be painfully obvious that what swings one way also swings the other, including Time? We see Time ahead of us, but that's only because we never bother to look backwards. If we did, we would see the same Time that stretches out to infinity before us also behind us. Time does not care which way we look. We assume that Time goes on forever ahead, so then it can't help but go both directions. No ending, Infinity, it goes both ways. It cannot have a beginning, no matter how much anyone wants it to.

But wait... there's more. Most people neither know nor care about St. Thomas Aquinas, and that's fine. Another thing about this God, tied in with the idea about beginnings. For God to be God, he must be GOD. Supreme means No Room for Error; it's all or nothing here. Because if there's something God depends on for his existence, He'd damn well not Supreme in any respect. And God's existence depends on more than just the beginning of the universe.

There's the whole idea of necessity. The Universe does not depend on the idea of God to exist. It need never have started (just like God), but God needs to have started it Himself, or else that's something that happened independently, outside God's direct action. And that strips God of being Supreme. So that means, not that God doesn't exist, per say, but that God's existence is Entirely Dependent on His Creating the Universe. That means God's existence depends on something, and that means that God cannot possibly exist, because if he did, he wouldn't depend on anything at all.

The statement: God does Not Exist, does not contradict itself in anyway.  Logically, something is necessary only if its denial is a contradiction (My barking dog doesn't bark. Either the dog is not a barking dog, or it does bark. One or the other). And this just goes to show one more thing on which God's existence depends.

God seems pretty helpless now that we know he depends on things. Now that we know there are things that God needs to exist. He doesn't look so tough now, does he?

Part 2:.
...why the God we now know can't possibly exist would be helpless and stupid if he did. And this is where things get really fun. There's this age old question, see... Can God make a rock so heavy He can't lift it? Folks've been having fun with this one for years, I'm told. But this question depends on several grand assumptions, which I intend to point out before answering it in spite of them. Aside from the obvious contradictions which are the only apparent answers (either way, it comes down to something that God just can't do), it is based on the assumption that contradictions apply to God, as well as we pitiful mortals.

Now, if flaws in the human ability to reason can be applied to God, He must not be all that special. If He created us and made us imperfect, well that's only because the concept of imperfection has been applied to Him by us. Fair trade, but it strips more of the supposed grandeur from the whole Divine thing.

So then, if we ignore everything and put faith, or even Faith in God, we do it as an even trade. Must be a pretty lame God to have to barter for the affection and devotion of His creations. He loses more credibility with every step, and has let us, over the generations, put him on a level lower than our own. And a God held in so tight an armhold by the human population of the planet doesn't seem to deserve any praise at all.

Back to the question. I'm giving a great deal of ground to even acknowledge this, but I'm going to answer it anyway, just for fun. Let's call it the final slap I feel like putting across the face of something that's not even there. (And that should serve as an admission that I've been wasting my time, and of how little importance this all is).

The contradictions that are the only answers to the question do not discredit it. The contradictions are the answer. No matter what application of logic we use, it comes down to a thing God just can't do. And by now we should all know what that means. All of this means (putting aside every word I've said up to this point) that the problem doesn't lie with God at all, but with the question. More specifically, with our perception of the situation, which is why we have a question to ask.

It's the age old last resort for believers: We can never understand it. We can only accept it.

Again, bullshit. If God isn't able to create a universe that conforms to His own existence, I'd as soon laugh out loud at everything about him than go forth penitent on bended knee and do a single damn thing in his name, other than swear God Damn at every last opportunity.

erik johnson
2.5.99
2:39am